***Please note this is a piece regarding MY EXPERIENCE and being VULNERABLE. If you do not like reading or hearing about ABORTION, you may not want to read any further. If you feel like you want to comment, PLEASE ONLY COMMENT FROM A PLACE OF LOVE and KINDNESS***
The Gift Of CHOICE
Two years ago, I made one of the hardest and most emotionally painful decisions of my life. I decided to terminate a pregnancy. This decision did not come lightly to me, and I am sharing this because I feel my story needs to be written so others understand what a woman goes through on every level of her being.
I was in a long relationship with someone that I was planning to marry. My life was "figured out". I had the life I thought I wanted. It was hard at times, but it was beautiful. I found out I was pregnant. In the moment, I became both excited and terrified. There were so many other factors in my life at that time that I needed to take into consideration. I had just gotten to the place I wanted to be in my career, and there were other people in my life that were having a difficult time. Adding a pregnancy in the mix would have made it harder on them to be cared for properly.
*There are a lot of important other details that I will refrain from writing about out of respect for others that were involved*
I had given abortion thought many times before; if I were to become pregnant would I keep the baby? My answer was ALWAYS, ‘Of course! I would have the baby regardless of the circumstances’. Then the time came, and I had to make a CHOICE. This CHOICE, being mine and the other holder of their half of the DNA, was an emotional, spiritual, physical and mental CHOICE. It consumed me every moment of every day as I was pregnant. I sat with all of it. I panicked about it. I cried about it. I was angry about it. I FELT ALL OF IT!
Then there was a voice. So strong. So loud. So direct. "This is NOT the time. He is NOT the person". Over and over, that was all I heard. It became all consuming. The anxiety and panic took over. I could not house a being in a body that was feeling these emotions so strongly.
As I sat with a being growing inside of my body, I was caught between what I've always wanted and what I knew had to happen. After some time thinking about all of it, I ended up making the appointment. I chose to have a D&C (suction surgery) instead of taking a pill. Another HARD and scary CHOICE.
The days and moments leading up to the appointment, I constantly questioned my CHOICE. I grew up in the church, so this CHOICE had huge religious guilt attached to it. Not only that, other women in my family have either had trouble conceiving or could not conceive, so I felt extreme guilt around that “I feel bad about having to choose this”, shame “I feel like I’m doing something wrong”, and I felt very selfish “others cannot get pregnant, and here I am making this CHOICE when others don't even get a CHOICE”.
I arrived at my appointment and was terrified. Walking through the door, protesters to one side which made the shame and guilt even worse. In my mind was complete questioning, overwhelming sadness, intense anger and resentment, "What the FUCK?! WHY ME?! I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE HERE!!!", but I was. My partner was not allowed to come into the room with me. I had no idea that was how the experience was going to be! Ok this was real, I was doing this by myself. This CHOICE is now mine and mine alone. I went back. I asked questions to clarify things. They asked questions, most that did not pertain to me, but I found to be very intriguing. I was brought into the room. It was freezing. It was sterile. I had someone holding my hand (the nurse) whom I had just met. Squeezing tight to her hand with one hand and a stress ball that was a ladybug in the other hand. I was laying on my back. Staring up at the ceiling. The procedure started. I stopped the doctor and asked, "Wait! I need to know, how big is the fetus?", "You’re not far along at all, most women in this stage don’t even know they are pregnant. The fetus is a clump of cells". I laid back and experienced the most painful, uncomfortable, emotional and mentally traumatic experience of my life. I was forever changed.
I laid there and cried. I was alone. I cried and cried and cried. I went back to the recovery room. There was a journal next to me on the table. I read through it. Other women had written about their experiences and why they made their CHOICE. It brought me comfort knowing that I wasn't alone. My partner came in. We held each other and cried. The CHOICE I made was not easy, but I did not know that the trauma would carry on for days, weeks and months to come.
I left. I felt empty. No one tells you about the aftermath of having a termination. I should have been told. I wouldn’t have changed my decision, but there should have been, and needs to be more education on abortions. As the days continued on, I fell into a deep depression due to a number of factors (those which are not only my story to tell) however, a major factor was postpartum depression. No one told me that could happen. I fell hard. The guilt, the shame, the anger, the resentment. I was lost in my thoughts. The only thing I could think of was 'how bad of a person' I was for the CHOICE I made. I had a broken heart in more ways than one. I was empty. I was alone.
I am now writing this from a place of recovery. A place of triumph. A place of a FUCKING WARRIOR!!!
All of this was my CHOICE! This is why I am PRO-CHOICE! I was the one to go into that room and experience the pain to my entire being. I was the one who lives with the trauma. NO. ONE. ELSE.
I was brought here to be gifted this experience along with other traumatic experiences to help others. As a society, we need to talk about this. Abortion is not something to take lightly. It IS NOT a form of birth control. It is something that needs more education and support around it. I want to live in a world where women are equal in their CHOICES to bring life into this world. We are the real WARRIORS the real bearers of life. I am here to help educate through experience. I am here to spread LOVE, KINDNESS and the POWER OF CHOICE. I am with you!